For years after high school graduation it was like a dark cloud was following me. I had no clue what it was, where it came from or how to get rid of it. The younger me was so unenthused about my passion that I really didn't know what the hell that was or where to buy it from. High School doesn't teach you about passion or purpose. High school forces you to learn but not to learn about you. I was so focused on doing what I thought was best that I never thought about what fit for me or who I wanted to be.
Thinking back I don't know if I ever had plans for my life other than to survive. And before I knew 10 years went by and I really still hadn't thought about it, again survival was the name of the game. I didn't have time to bullshit around and only do what I thought I loved or follow some childhood dream. I had mouths to feed, 2 mouths at that and depending on who I was dating at the time it may have been 3. (inserts eye roll)
In reality that whole time I had been doing exactly what I didn't have time to do and that was BULLSHITTING. I seriously was not taking my life or my future seriously. Clubbing, dating, hanging out, working and raising my kids. A lot of us think that this is living. This my dear is EXISTING.
Ill be the "Dirty 30" in 6 months and while that seems so far away its also so close and so damn MONUMENTAL I don't know how to feel. Like I really don't know if I should be happy or frustrated. I'm blessed that its another year, but I'm also fighting against the negative energy surrounding that monument. Where did the time go? What have I accomplished? Am I living the way I should? Why didn't you set goals to accomplish before 30? Do I deserve to be happy about 30? Would people come to a dinner for my birthday, but what are you celebrating? Ugh it seriously keeps me up at night sometimes. I lay in bed looking like a fool tossing and turning because I'm rushing to accomplish something before 30 but why? I know better, I am so much better than that way of thinking. Instead of stressing my self about completing something I need to be thankful that I still have time.I should be thankful that my kids are still young and this wisdom about passion and purpose can be shared with them. I should be thankful that I even have the wisdom.
Those previous questions were irrelevant. So let me tell you what I wont be doing!!
I will not let the next 10 years pass me by.
I will not be 10 years into a job that I don't want to be in or I'm not happy with.
I will not let 10 years go by in a bad relationship or friendship.
I will not work my ass off and have nothing to show for it.
I will not be accepting half-ass love or treatment from people.
I will not be living to please anyone.
These last few months have been so crazy and such a blessing. I just wish I knew what I knew now back then. I wish I had someone pushing me to complete this task and that venture. I wish I had someone seeing things in me that I didn't see in myself years ago. But I stand firmly on the belief that God knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. He knew I had to get rid of dead weight, control my anger, and get closer to him. He couldn't lead me into greatness being hard-headed. I heard him loud and clearly.
Shhhh...... Listen and watch him lead you!
So, Yes 30 is big but life is bigger. I'm so very proud of myself because its true that its never to late to be what you might have been. Years ago I gave this very quote to my mom as she finished nursing school at 44. Shout out to my mama. The peaceful chaotic space I'm in is amazing. I legit feel like I got the juice right now. Its invigorating to wake up and work towards you for you everyday. I'm THRIVING.
The old me is feeling some type of way because her lifeless ass cant come. I AINT SORRY is my farewell to the old fearful and stagnant me. She cant sit with us!!!
Transparency has become a goal of mine that wasn't even planned. I've felt so many emotions this year, and guess what? I've embraced them all. Fear, anguish, sadness, happiness, peace etc. Do not let age, sex, status, fear, negativity or preconceived notions keep you from living the best life possible. Its never to late.
~Be you, Do you, For you~