*Disclaimer: We will be talking about sex and I will also be cussing. Thanks, Management!*
Recently the great Jazmine Sullivan released Heaux Tales and the world went crazy. Some loved the tracks and some not so much. I loved each and every piece of truth she gave. I'm a lover and advocate of one speaking the truth no matter how it offends or hurts. To me, your truth is the one thing not a single soul can take from you. Will it always fall in line with another's truth? Absolutely not but it's still yours.
A few of the songs caused me to hold an open discussion in my reading group. The discussion was eye-opening and not so much about the music but the message. I'm also a message person. I'm the one that watches or listens to something and can find meaning in it no matter how silly or deep. It's a gift and a curse. Truly. LOL while others enjoy a funny movie I find something minuscule and see the message.
Anyway, while some felt Jaz was exploiting being a hoe and hoe culture a friend of mine that I love discussing things with, brought up a major point. Hoe culture is apart of our life but we need to discuss whether it's trauma-related or for the advancement of women finally accepting that we too are sexual beings and want more than a wet ass and a piece of bubblegum sometimes.
This was me when she brought this very valid point up. Because let's break it down everyone has their own definition of being a hoe and hoe culture. Urban dictionary has the worst definition by far. And I'm convinced it's run by a bunch of men that have probably never even smelled a snatch. Either way, I digress. The word HOE is probably the reason why it causes people to shake their heads and prepare the judgment. However, I see it differently and I believe a lot of people in my age bracket see it completely differently. It's a fine time for us to figure out our own definition. Jhene Aiko explains it as Happiness Over Everything and I like that a lot better. So while we some see hoe as being loose, I see it as women finally putting their happiness over everything else, especially when it comes to sex. Choosing H.O.E, over stroking a man's ego, adding notches to their belt and giving into what they want, and not considering what we want and what we need is hoe culture in my opinion.
I don't know about you but I never got the vibe growing up or when I came into my sexual nature that sex was about us. Hell, my mom didn't have that conversation with me EVER! So I had to learn a lot on my own and I made some bad decisions because of it. Not blaming my mother here because we are talking about different generations. I'm saying we've been taught for a long time that sex was for what.... childbearing. Cool, but fuck all that.
So with a generation of women openly discussing sex and enjoyment, it's shocked and offended a few people. I say fuck em because you know what woman should be told to enjoy sex as much as a man. We should be able to get that head, that bread, and leave if we choose to. Again if we choose to. Don't come to me about a man can do this and that a lady can't. Who told you that? Someone else? Can we be honest that we've never been able to form our own opinion? I mean from sex to politics and everything in between. There was always something or someone before us with a conclusion that we may have been subjected to.
Now that brings me to the title of the blog.... The Trauma of it All... I made the mistake of using my sexual conquest to heal from the trauma of the last. Do I have a high body count you ask? That's a ladies' business and always will be. But while doing that I never healed from the trauma. Sex doesn't heal you from the insecurities. It doesn't make him stick around or like you more. That's just a hard truth, we have to swallow.
Using sex and relationships didn't heal me from my previous marriage, it didn't fix my daddy issues. It didn't quiet the thoughts and reminders in my head that often whispered negativity. It just didn't. My trauma ran deep and I still have work to do on it. I'm still healing from a few nights of pleasure with a certain someone turning into a live-in boyfriend and it truly being one of the lowest points of my life. I don't even have time to discuss all the dumb ish I did with that one. I assure you I learned a lot from that situation and came out so much better. I gained a level of clarity that I can't put a title on.
So what are you saying, Chasity?
What I'm saying is that truth is important, and figuring out what yours is a must. I'm also saying we need to slow down on judgment. We see things that don't fall in line with what we've been taught and immediately jump the gun. We assume we know a person's reason behind their moves. We forget that from one person to the next we are different and have experienced different things. We forget that there are somethings we just aren't meant to understand.
I wished I would have learned the right ways to be an independent being in every way possible sexually, financially, physically, and emotionally. I wished I would have known that sex didn't heal trauma, didn't heal pain, didn't make that wound a little less deep. In my twenties, I didn't have access to the freedom young women have now. I didn't know it existed. But it does and it's something we need to wrap our head around. Our bodies are our bodies and whether you like how we handle it... don't worry about my vagina and I won't worry about yours!
I'm not yelling from the top of a mountain to go out and hoe because it's your life. I am saying if you want to date and be free sexually do it because it's what you want to do. Protect yourself at all times. Understand that sex doesn't heal trauma. Understand that you can enjoy sex and you should but again protect yourself. Understand that your truth and my truth will be different. Have those conversations with your daughters, tell them what they need to know about THEIR bodies. So when a man helps them reach an orgasm she doesn't feel indebted to him, because she can do it too and probably quicker. Tell them that good zick doesn't mean you have to put up with the standard being in HELL. And to me, that's the real takeaway... Ciao!